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And please bear with me if I break down…I'm just doing my Halle Berry impersonation.
This briefcase belonged to my Dad. After using it for work in the 60s, he decided to re-purpose it for play, specifically for making silly home movies, so he wrote "Fantastic Productions" on it. On the top, he wrote "Top." On the bottom, "Bottom." On one side, it says "Side," and on the other side it says "Other Side." He used to carry his movie camera and silly props inside it.
Recently, we found dozens of jokes in his drawer that he had written, and I'd like to start out with one:
A sick book reader is an ill literate.
Since creating my own silly newspaper called "The Seattle Star" in the fifth grade, I've enjoyed writing comedy. My Dad was a huge influence on me, and so very encouraging and helpful. He bought me this mimeograph-type gel to use to make copies of it, and when his office got a Xerox machine he made copies himself.
He was the funniest person I ever knew, with an amazingly quick wit and the ability to turn anything into a joke or pun. Any time you'd see him at a gathering, you could practically hear the gears turning in his head, as his humor neurons searched for a punchline for any topic or conversation. Dad taught me the value of humor, and the incredible rewards of making others laugh. To this day, I am most satisfied when making people laugh, just like Dad was. I thank him for that.
DAD JOKE: I never read the ads in the paper - they're classified, and I don't want to get in trouble with the government!
Dad was a man of many talents. Along with being a dedicated Father who'd do anything for us kids, he was a skilled craftsman who taught himself how to carve totem poles. He must've carved around 15 different totems, masks and assorted goofy creations that ended up all around the house and backyard, some of which you'll find here today. The backyard of the house looks like a Native American playground, only just about every totem looks like it has Dad's face on it. I guess he used a mirror when he carved because you can see him in almost every one of them. I thank him for his totems.
DAD JOKE: My uncle knew more about the logging industry than anyone I ever knew. You could ask him anything and he was never stumped!
Dad's influence wasn't just as a person; it was genetic. If you look at pictures of him as a very young child, and compare those to pictures of his grandkids, you can see his ears, his grin, his eyes, his hair, even his limbs. It's simply amazing, and I'm glad that he will live on in all our kids. I know that I'll think of him every time I look at my kids. Dad's DNA is strong, and it's everywhere - look around the room and you can see him in just about any relative. I thank him for that.
DAD JOKE: What's the dullest part of the country? The Plain States.
As a Father, Dad would do anything for us kids. Along with cracking jokes, he was very creative as well; from taking us to the airport to look for spies, to trying to scare us at Ye Olde Curiosity Shoppe by insisting that Sylvester the mummy was alive and moving, to trips to the zoo, or downtown to look at buildings, and other silly things like going to the hardware store just to ring doorbells. I thank him for those times.
DAD JOKE: I hate this bar at Christmastime. Not only do they run out of beer, but they sing about it: "No ale, no ale…"
Dad loved the outdoors. He used to take us fishing on the family boat, which was fun. Only we hated getting up at 4am. We'd get up, all groggy, and drive down in the dark to the Duwamish River where the boat was moored, get on it and head out. We entered numerous salmon derbies, but were never able to catch one single salmon, even if they were jumping all over the place. One time Judy and Dad caught a bunch of fish that they thought were salmon. They got so excited that they carefully packed them on ice and took them back to Seacrest Marina to show them off. When they got there and showed off their eight salmon, imagine their disappointment when they told them "those aren't salmon, those are Hake!" I remember Dad laughing about that incident quite often.
Another time Dad took me and a friend fishing on the banks of the Green River. We weren't having any luck at our first location, so Dad suggested we drive up the river in the car to a better spot. Rather than hassling with taking the fishing poles apart, Dad just put them in the trunk of the car, sticking out. As we drove over a bump, the trunk went up, then slammed down hard, chopping the poles cleanly in half. Needless to say, that was the end of that fishing trip. But we all laughed a lot. Dad had the amazing ability to turn something bad into something funny. I thank him for that.
DAD JOKE: How do you make a restroom smell nice? You put a sign on it that says "Out of Odor."
One time Dad took us kids to see a movie called "99-44/100% Dead" being filmed downtown, which starred Chuck Connors and Richard Harris. On the set of the movie, during a break, they let people in to meet the stars. An obvious bigtime movie star was sitting in a chair that had the name Chuck Connors written on it. Dad brought us to the man and proudly introduced him to us as Chuck Connors. After all, he was sitting in Chuck's chair. Unfortunately, it was really Richard Harris, who cleverly played along and said in his English accent "Did you like me in 'The Rifleman'?" Dad said "Love it - we never miss it." Us kids who actually watched the show knew that that wasn't the actual Rifleman and we sheepishly slinked away. But we always laughed about that. I thank him for that.
DAD JOKE: Why are accountants always sad? Because it's accrual world.
Even though he told us kids that he met our Mom under a rock, they actually met at Cornish while they were both studying piano. To show what a devoted Father he was, while Dad and Mom were dating in Cornish, Dad decided he'd rather get married than become a musician. He wanted kids, and he thought that kids were too important to be left behind while he went to jazz clubs at night to play music. So instead he went to the U, got his degree and started a family. Our entire family thanks him for that.
DAD JOKE: Have you hear about the new drink made out of cat's feet? It's the "Paws that Refreshes."
When I bought my first car in 1979, it wasn't hard to convince Dad to be the co-signer. Unfortunately for him, I had problems making my car payments on time, so the loan officer, who was named Penny Arcaid, went after Dad. She must've called him every week for months. Even though I was flaking on my part of the deal, I'll never forget him laughing about her funny name, when most people would get mad, and I thank him for that.
DAD JOKE: Why do gamblers play cards at the mouth of rivers? Because they might be delta better hand!
What a devoted Dad he was. Judy, his youngest daughter, had chronic problems with overdue library fines while a student at the UW. In fact, she had so many overdue fines that the U was threatening to withhold her diploma unless they were all paid. Dad paid her $200 fine without blinking, and Judy could get her degree. Judy, as well as the University of Washington, thank him for that.
DAD JOKE: Did you hear about the guy who went to Barber College? He kept cutting classes.
Dad was quite the practical joker too. We use to plot pranks to play during family holiday dinners. He'd take me down to the Trick and Puzzle store downtown and buy tricks. One of our favorites was a platelifter device that consisted of a hose and a little balloon-type thing on the end. You'd put it under a plate under the tablecloth, then wait for the right moment during dinner and pump the pump. This would lift the plate. It was a very successful gag, and everyone got a good laugh out of it, even the victims.
Another time, Judy was watching TV alone in a backroom. Dad was outside, and he took one of his weird Indian masks, put it on a pole and pushed it up to the window to scare her.
And whenever we'd eat at the Space Needle revolving restaurant, Dad would leave notes on the windowsill. When our table would revolve back to one, he'd read it and see if anyone responded. I thank him for that.
DAD JOKE: I wanted to be a wild west fast-draw Cowboy, but no luck - I didn't have a gun, and I couldn't find a pencil!
Not only did he love his immediate family, Dad was a wonderful Grandpa as well. When we took our summer vacation in Cannon Beach, which we did every year, you'd find him playing with his grandkids in the creek, most likely with one of his handmade wooden sailboats. People would come up to him and ask where he bought it and be amazed when he told them he made it with his own hands and imagination. I thank Dad for sharing his handmade toys with all of us.
During the press frenzy over the launch of Windows 95, Dad was interviewed by a Seattle Times reporter. His quote, which was published in the paper, was: "Who needs Windows 95? I've got 3 x 5 '95!"
Dad taught me the value of the 3 x 5 index card, as well as always carrying a little notebook to jot down thoughts, names, phone numbers, and most importantly, jokes. These were his equivalent of a PalmPilot. When he was a broker, he kept a huge file of 3 x 5 index cards with information on every building in town - every tenant, company name, phone number and other information. Soon he became a walking encyclopedia of just about every building and tenant downtown, and he'd love to share pieces of trivia and weird facts with us whenever we'd go there. I thank him for that.
DAD JOKE: If you're ever feeling down, try walking down a crowded street with the sun at your back. People walking towards you will all look like they're saluting you. This will give you confidence.
Living with Dad was not only like being in the funniest sit-com ever written, it was like living at a zoo. Dad loved animals, and we never had a shortage of wild creatures, a lot of which would originate from Schmitz Park. An abandoned baby hawk we named Hawkeye, a lost chicken we named Henrietta, a duck named Gussy, a lost cat we named Gretchen and assorted rabbits. He would even nickname spiders found in the house "Jo-Jo," which always cracked us up. I, as well as dozens of animals and insects, thank him for that.
One of Dad's favorite jokes was this one: Do you know who the most famous person in U.S. history is? His name is Richard Stans. And here's why: "I pledge allegiance, to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for Richard Stans."
In closing, I'd like to say that the ability to make people laugh is a great one. My Dad, Bob Schaefer, was blessed with an amazing sense of humor, and was a tremendous role model. Just about every friend of us kids would say "You're Dad is so funny" after meeting him. He brought countless hours of joy and smiles to the faces of his entire family, as well as to everyone who spent more than a few minutes around him. My Dad made the world a happier place, and he will be sorely missed.
Everyone here probably had at least one or several hundred laughs due to him. I'd like to end this eulogy by asking everyone to send a message to his spirit by closing their eyes and shouting "Thank you Bob" or Dad or Grandpa with me:
1, 2, 3…THANK YOU DAD!
I love you Dad, and I miss you very much...